Life is stressful. I want a boyfriend, but then I think about it and I really don't. I love my life where I am right now. I love school, I love cheer, I love my roommates and being out on my own, but what I want is a Boy Friend. A guy who I can hang out with and have a really good time. Maybe someone who is a secret crush. Where there is potential, but just not right now, you know? I know it doesn't make sense, but its the way I am feeling right now. I miss the solidarity of my friends at home. You always know that you have people to hang out with and spend your friday night with. No stress, no forced friendship, its just the way it is. Funny thing is I remember being so sick of still being stuck with the same friends all the time and wanting to move on and be with cooler people. I'm such a fool! I miss my cool friends! I'm lucky because I have two of my best-est friends here! I still miss the boys though!
You know who I miss most though, two of the most wonderful girls ever! They are spread out and don't have me and I don't have them. They are growing up and making friends and meeting people who I don't know. I don't get to be there protecting them or sharing in their experiences. They are liking boys and getting in fights and I don't hear about it. I hate that! Its not like I can expect them to update me on every aspect of their lives, we all need to grow up and begin our own separate lives, but I feel like I am missing out on part of my life because I'm not with them. That's silly, I know. The worst thing is when life is hard for them and I can't be there and fix it. My poor girls are going through such hard things, some of the hardest that could ever happen, and I can't help. I don't know how to help. I used to feel like I had a lot of answers. I could understand people and solve problems, but now I don't know what happened. Suddenly the problems got a lot BIGGER. And more lasting. and I don't know how to solve them. I realize now more than ever how little I do know. I have know idea. and that scares me.
Even if I can't fix things I just wish that I could somehow be there for my girls. That I could hug them and cry with them and let them know that it would be okay. even though I don't know how. How do you make someone understand that there are people who love them. How do you take them in and convince them they are wanted and that it won't be awkward. How do you keep a time that should be special... magical when suddenly it is completely different from where you felt the magic before. Everything is different this year for my girls and I just wish I could make it possible to go back.
I am so lucky. I went through my struggles and really life changing hard times when I was younger. The things that happened molded my life and me into who I am. They didn't alter a life I had already built. I built around them, they didn't demolish what I constructed. How do you pick up the rubble and find a way to create something more beautiful than what you had before?
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